Some days are so frustrating being the parent of a teen. Just being a parent in general. All different ages and stages have their frustrations. Including being a youth. Really the statement should be some days are just so f****** frustrating. For anyone.
When I was a teen I definitely made my parents frustrated. I probably took a couple years off their lives with the amount of stress my choices and actions placed upon them. As a young person I thought I was respecting my parents, kind of… As I was doing more than what my friends were doing for theirs. A very naive and narcissistic view. I was far more concerned with the responsibilities in My life. But honestly looking back I know that I was being disrespectful then.
Where, I can hear my father call me an ignorant little b****, to my 16 year old self. I totally deserved it. I remember sitting listening to the lectures barely hearing what was said because I was in my own head answering. But knowing full well I couldn’t speak the truth of what I was feeling as it would just escalate the situation. Intern, he was just stating facts. But was ignorant the right word? Probably not, selfish, narcissistic, self absorbed would probably have been better. I can see it now because I see it as the parent. How infuriating my 12 – 18 year-old self was. However, I still can be infuriating even to myself now… As a teen I worked hard, went to school and I did whatever I wanted in my free time. Living it up. That’s probably where I did the most drinking and smoking in my life. I was given the freedom to explore the world with occasional parental input, mostly when I screwed up…
At that time it was school, work and relationships with people. More so work than school. School was a nemesis of mine from k – 12. Okay maybe not K. Come to think of it, kindergarten was pretty cool. My dad donated some computer parts, so we got to pull apart old monitors, computers and play with the keyboards. The systems didn’t work but we got to freely explore and handle them. Possibly the beginnings of a love for work using my hands. Nonetheless, somewhere early on, school was a scary and a sad place for me for many years. Fear of being put on the spot to read aloud, (not my strong suite) segregated for help. This created ammunition to be poked fun at, all added to being different then the average girls. There were image and status expectations, all kinds of distractions during a huge growth period in life.
Taking that into consideration, the same is happening in our youth today. If not having harder expectations placed upon them. Not to mention the ability to capture moments and freeze them in time forever. I am extremely grateful that digital cameras were not a thing back in the day. It was a privilege to be able to forget some of the stupid s*** that you can get up to as a kid. I also definitely didn’t have the style and flavour that kids these days have. It was all hand-me-downs and baggy boy clothes. I was dubbed a tomboy. Is this considered derogatory? Interesting how boy was affiliated with the style of clothes I wore. Clothes don’t hold gender, people’s perspectives do. Possibly a sign of the built-in or systemic culture. Or a clue that our parents’ generation did a great job being able to support their families with what they had. Perhaps both. It could also be a red flag that people live above their means, nowadays.
Back to my frustration, I was inspired to write this because I received a notification that my daughter had failed to meet a deadline and some light words of encouragement were needed on my behalf.
This, boiling my blood a little. It took me back to a time when Susannah was in kindergarten. I just received her report card and in the description it was recommended that I suggest to my daughter that she play less in the house centre and more on other activities. To me this is like reprimanding the dog for eating the steak off the counter, 3 hours after the crime. Totally arbitrary, useless. From my perspective the administrators need to clearly define expectations and repercussions if the expectations are not met. Or in the case of a 4-5 year old, redirect the child when the unwanted situation is happening. ie. “Susannah the house center is closed for you, why don’t you go over to the X,Y or Z center instead.” Providing the child with a choice and encouragement to find something else they might like.
As a parent I’m here to encourage my child, to be present and engaged. Sometimes that’s easy for activities that they want to take part in. Others it’s multiple conversations of how school is their job and sometimes you have to do things you don’t really like doing. But are important to still complete as they can affect yourself or others in the future. Knowing full well that if they like what they are doing, they will engage and excel. If they don’t they will struggle possibly be labelled as disruptive or less then.
Knowing that feeling of less than, I have a calm conversation, starting with, how is school going? I know if my reaction of hearing from the teacher is explosive filled with frustration, no learning and growth will occur. In some cases just making the situation more of an issue. In others, greeted with truth, taking responsibility for the late work, devising a plan to make up for lost time. Through this choice as a parent I’ve provided a safe place for my child to give me the information they want to give me without feeling attacked. Inturn providing opportunity for growth and openness. Now does that all mean that their plan is executed, not necessarily. But at least there was ownership of responsibility and clear communication. However, in some cases the issues run deeper.
We all have background noise clouding the peripheral. Yet, our senses are expected to always be on point. Requiring multifaceted skill sets. Being responsible for oneself, as well as others. Could be any form of loved one or a person you share empathy and compassion for. On top of professional responsibilities. Feeling life’s stressors. Things can get overwhelming.
That overwhelming feeling is often the same feeling a younger person experiences. The difference is their worries in some cases are something that you’ve already experienced and organized into priority. The same stress that is felt from being a good provider, employee, community supporter, is placed within our children too. Where acceptance of one’s self and ability is questioned. Looking for approval from role models, peers and self. Finding it hard to navigate with responsibility. School, home, work, but most importantly the people around them. At this time in one’s life the search for individuality is on. Finding their way in this world, learning, understanding self-awareness and what’s happening in their surroundings. On top of, societal expectations. What will you be, do, see?
Just as stressful and overwhelming. Experiencing time of rejection and alone feelings.
The darkness, that can consume reason.
Terrifying. Crippling. Exposure.
Even more so while supporting others feeling the same way. I have seen first hand the struggle and self harm pandemic that is occurring amongst our young today.
I understand some struggle of mental illness. I understand the struggle of pressures for acceptance and perfection. I see our children so consumed with perfection.
Overwhelmed with perfection.
Is it the obvious, of social media’s unrealistic view on the world. I don’t think social media can take all the credit, or slander. I believe that not all on the internet is a lie, but it’s definitely hard to filter.
With this clouded vision how do you help a child to understand that first versions are not meant to be perfect. That, it is still worth sharing or grooming, the idea. That erasing the whole document and starting over is not the step that needs to be taken to create better quality of work. Understanding that failure is not a bad thing. I don’t even want to put the term failure on it. I would rather “working” draft or work in progress. Which is better viewed as the perspective of, self-love and growth of development of skills. Many things come from a raw place, then are molded and formed into something that you can be proud of. But understanding the journey is what you are proud of. The end product is a result of the path.
In some instances I feel this is rooted in the lack of deadlines. I feel like the expectation for deadlines in the public school system is non-existent. I have seen first hand no repercussions for not meeting deadlines. With this how are they going to ever learn that a deadline is actually something important. That a deadline helps reduce stress level and work from piling up. In some cases some jobs have to be completed before the next stage can take place. In turn encouraging progress and confidence.
In trades, technology and many other aspects if deadlines aren’t met it could mean $$$$$$$$ in penalties, it could be your job, it could be someone’s life.
Deadlines mean something.
Sometimes you can’t take another day or another week, to get it done. That if your best work that day isn’t your best work, that’s okay but be ready to take responsibility. Speaking in terms of school, taking a 0 on an assignment. Ultimately, set goals to reach acceptance criteria but understand, sometimes s*** happens and taking responsibility is the first step to working towards a solution.
It’s best to look for perspective during that time to understand how the problem started. Otherwise, watching the work pile sky high creating a large depressing cloud of overwhelming shutting down feelings. This is the place where fight of flight comes in. Where I have found my daughter and some of her friends struggling to filter the expectations placed upon them. Before COVID, some of these kids were workaholics. Top athletes, students, socialists and more. The stress of high performance in all areas compressing on the shoulders of these youth. Even if it is not a situation of top athletes, all youth have at some point felt the endless pressures of parents, society and personal expectations. With some taking on the full responsibility of an adult, having no choice in their situation.
During these years of learning and understanding of oneself, having one confidant, a safe place to communicate can be the difference. I’ve always told my kids it’s okay if they don’t want to talk to me. They are allowed to talk to whoever they are safe and comfortable with. However, some topics are too much for friends to handle. Where, sometimes an adult or professional is needed. Prospective, organization and time to file your thoughts with an objective listener is invaluable.
Editing is great and change induces growth. Where, your best work is likely still to come, as you polish with experience.
I have to say, I can’t imagine erasing my own work. Way back when, if you didn’t constantly press the save button and something happened, which, something always happened. The computer would crash and you’d lose everything. The frustration to have to retype everything had me in tears a few times. Back then you had to handwrite a rough copy then type it out. Thank goodness for that.
I feel the challenges that my child is working through. I hear where she’s coming from but the pressures that I believe she’s feeling are really not so much self-induced. Yeah, sometimes it happens with any person, we get into our head. But I truly believe that creating a system that doesn’t allow children to stumble a little bit with repercussions, is diminishing confidence.
This is not saying that the work isn’t good enough. It’s not about the work, it’s about the foundation of knowing that once this time comes, there isn’t a redo. So often are we given the opportunity to redo something or take more time to complete it. But in some cases, like LIFE, you do not get a second chance. You get one life, ONE, there are no redos. Perhaps that would help us all live a little bit better, for ourselves, for our loved ones, for our planet. Spending a little bit more time looking at the whole picture and how all the little pieces shape the view.
How many people don’t look up to the horizon. How many are stuck with their head down to the grindstone just trying to make ends meet. This is not a life fully living, it is a slave to the system.
With all of this said, this lack of confidence is following people into their adulthood. I’ve seen it firsthand working as a post-secondary educator. That the inability to take ownership of their own work possibly because expectations were never solid. Extra time or help on completion doesn’t provide someone with the feeling of personal achievement once the project is complete. Why, because they never did it by themselves, they were caught when stumbling. Society doesn’t help with this either. As I have experienced using appropriate tools, tools that are taught as quality enhancers, such as peer editing. But then being torn down saying that the peer editor should be the one to have achieved the diploma, or credit. It’s these types of double standards that also negatively impact confidence.
So let’s just tie that all together, societal pressure with mixed communication, the lack of deadlines, and double standards. All combining to diminish confidence, responsibility and pride of work. As an adult I have experienced all of the above and find it infuriating, demeaning and confusing. Symptoms that all feed into depression, anxiety or whatever title you want to put on it.
Overwhelming.
As an adult, at least we have control on some aspects of life. Where some confidence can remain, reducing some of that overwhelming feeling. For a child, some cases feel as they have absolutely no control whatsoever. That place is where the youth suicide pandemic exists. All of this was exacerbated tenfold by the COVID19 pandemic.
Most of what I have said, are observations from before COVID hit.
LIFE IS NOT ONE dimensional, there will be and already has been repercussions for turning a blind eye to the rest of what happens in life. Below is an article that discusses some of this.
With all of this I worry, as before the pandemic my house was a safe place for my teen and many others for the amount of time they used to hang out here. As well as, subjects raised in the article about less influential adults that helped guide before, are limited. The coach, volunteers, even friends’ parents. [1] Our young people are in crisis. More than ever before we need to be diligent to check in, find ways to connect and communicate.
Even through the natural divide that happens at that time in life. If there is one piece of advice I could give to a parent to help connect with their teen, it is to DRIVE together. Before that was easier, as we were all going so many places. Now maybe driving lessons or driving them to work even if they don’t need you too. I always opened up to my mom when she would drive me to the barn or work. I also find my daughter does the same when we get in the truck together. Pack a travel mug and take a drive. Listen fully, go with the mindset that it’s a safe place where the parent will not flip. This doesn’t mean you don’t have an opinion. What it does is provide a level calm space where productive communication can start. It may take longer for some, depending on the relationship. It might not even work for you. But if you are lost trying to find connection with your little girl or boy who’s not so little anymore, give it a try.
Side note for clarity, I am human. I do not keep a calm level-head all the time. I’m pretty sure I have a few nicknames to the contrary. I am also most likely going to have a little cursing fit at some point before, during or after the conversation. There are the occasional time that s*** hits the fan, everyone has different breaking points. Such is life and sometimes I can’t control the passion.
With the desire of growth, it’s time to broaden perspectives. Thank you COVID for making a big problem into a bigger issue…… It’s a tragedy that so many will be harmed or GONE…Why are so many young taking their own lives… It’s a system problem with these numbers….
Change the system….
It is literally killing our future…
JEMI
Edit – WDI
P.S. For information during hard times of may types check out https://cmha.ca/document-category/mental-health
or
Thinking of suicide? Please call 1-833-456-4566 toll free (In QC: 1-866-277-3553), 24/7 or visit www.crisisservicescanada.ca.
You Matter… You impact others… Even if you don’t see it, there is love and happiness in this world for us all…
[1] “Number of youth in hospital after suicide attempt tripled over 4-month period under COVID-19 | CBC News,” CBCnews, 18-Mar-2021. [Online]. Available: https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/hamilton/pandemic-safety-measures-children-teen-health-impact-1.5953326. [Accessed: 19-Apr-2021].
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