How do you define Friend?
For me it’s knowing someone is there when they can be. Regardless of the amount of time that has passed, I can say hello and pick up where we left off. As I get older some might call my friends acquaintances as we don’t talk daily or see each other often. But that’s all in perspective. To me, all of our lives are so busy individually. That it’s next to impossible to connect daily unless you choose to fit it into the routine.
For years I would get questioned on whether I was upset with some friends because we hadn’t spoken for some time. More prevalent on my journey when younger. Probably due to the different lives of a teen parents compared to their teenaged friends. Often we are preoccupied with family life, education, work, that it’s never an amount of unhappiness towards someone. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes remove myself temporarily from relationships for self-preservation or reflection. We are all human and have to recognize our own capabilities. That’s sometimes relationships of any kind including friendships are draining. Where you have to take a step back. But that still doesn’t mean the person is upset. Or even needing this type of break because of any relationship. Where sometimes it’s more so needing time to work on self, over difficulties within relationships.
It’s about taking care of your needs first. Have you ever heard the term “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink?” This can be transferred to relationships that can transition to toxic if the person leading doesn’t take care of themselves. Oftentimes the situations are very difficult. Where the person trying to help so desperately, wants to see movement or growth. So much so they’re willing to jump in head first.
But we know what happens when you jump in to save somebody from drowning…
It never turns out well…
With that, throw a lifesaver attached to a rope. A way to picture the symbolism of your helping hand but, not to the degradation to oneself. You cannot give all of you to someone else. Otherwise you’ll both drown. One of the hardest things, is this realization. As many sit in agony watching their loved ones struggle. But ultimately your best defense is being strong and waiting for them to drink or grab the lifesaver. But in some cases total removal from the situation is required. Where sometimes that loss of connection or friendship is the tipping point that the person needed to reach out and take control for themselves. However, that is not always the case. Where in those moments we have to remember we gave as much of ourselves as we could and the rest is not up to us.
It’s interesting that when I’m feeling like the horse that won’t drink, I tend to become recluse and take myself out of people’s lives temporarily.
Why?
Perhaps when you’re accustomed to powering through and being “The Rock” “the foundation” of whatever you want to call it, you tend to recognize what others around you may or may not be able to handle the change in support. Where you have taken them as far as you can go, but now need your own debriefing of it all. It can be such a traumatic place, as you are watching and trying, but it’s out of our control.
There’s also a part of confusion where time is needed to organize, regroup and process whatever is going on. Where you have to focus inward first. Nurturing and loving yourself so that you have the right energy to support others.
I find this very trying as a mother. Where for many years and still to this day find it hard to put myself first. The want to jump in after the children when they are living through their trying times, sometimes, so much so it leads to burnout. Where a decade passes and you lose yourself along the way. Where so much time and energy is put into everything but yourself you forget to fuel up, in turn you feel paralyzed. I personally feel this is also influenced by the hormones that fluctuate through your body as a mother on our journey of postpartum living. Where that is a whole other dedicated topic. But for the case of this article, I want to acknowledge that these feelings are valid postpartum or not and we need to give ourselves grace.
Where that looks different for us all. Some may feel pharmaceutical help is the way to go off the bat. That may be the case, we are all different and need to learn to listen to our bodies. Where others need to reflect and talk things out with a professional counselor. Where some just need some long overdue “Me Time”. For some, that self care is exercise, a hobby or diving deep into work they love. But one thing I’ve noticed is that sometimes self-care isn’t singular. Sometimes it is sitting around a fire with people that get you. Enjoying a beer or board game with an old friend. Sharing and doing for others.
In the past I have found myself in turmoil due to health or other, where a part of my self-care routine was taking some coffees down to the divers on a cold day. (Seneca College Reference) Or buying the person’s coffee behind me in line. Or volunteering to spread welding knowledge. Or sending a card with some happy mail in hopes to help someone smile…
Where doing for others without any expectations of reciprocation can be so healing. This sounds like a contradiction to the above. But if you are sharing for your own healing, for your own joy, it is a task for yourself that just so happens to shine light on others. Things often fall under a gray area though.
As some might say I expect reciprocation when I gift people things from my small businesses. But really it’s about sharing the love.
Am I going to be grateful if somebody chooses to buy from me…
That’s an obvious yes…
But will I be unhappy or upset at someone for not…
Absolutely not…
Just like I said, sometimes in my own healing and self-care, it feels good to share. Even the small actions, the little things make a difference. Where we really have no idea what impact this has on others. But that is not for us to know because it wasn’t about the other person. It was about the action that fuels self care and love from within.
With this I encourage everyone to share without any hopes of reciprocation.
Shine your light into someone’s life for yourself.
It could be a coffee or a beautiful smile. No matter what choice it will make someone’s day. But most importantly, warm a little on the inside, healing with positive energy.
Build that positivity, it’s amazing how it will help get through the journey.
TRY to Be your own friend and give yourself grace…
JEMI
Edit – WDI