This month I have been more focused on mental health and kids. I believe it’s because I resonated with this topic when working on my https://jemsmind.com/medical-adversity-a-canadians-perspective/ article. With that, I want to bring to light a perspective that sometimes gets forgotten. This all came about through a discussion with a dear friend. As well as, some personal experiences with tech and my daughter.
It started with a conversation about being more aware of what is said in earshot of children. Conversations that aren’t directed at the children, but they are listening from across or in the next room. We talked of an instance where the words that a child was hearing were gun, death, family, accident related. Where, so easily some terms were then tried on for size by the child, in a safe setting when playing with a friend.
My understanding and experience of children is that sometimes when they don’t know or understand words that have been heard or learned, they take them out for a test drive. To see how they work for them, or whether there are any repercussions from using these words.
In this particular case this sweet little girl who has never shown any inclination of understanding the string of words, applied them in a situation she felt appropriate. Through a frustrating situation of hers she tried out phrasing with words of shooting, killing and family.
Through this experience one mama first questioned where her child heard these terms. We all know there’s so much stuff being pumped through the internet, TV, everywhere these days. Access is very easy to some scary stuff. But in this case this mama’s insight was focussed back on herself. She recognized that there had been an incident in her community involving the topic. That her and her spouse had been discussing and trying to support their community. At the time not realizing that their incorrigible 6-year-old had an ear on their conversations.
So the first piece of light that came from this darkness was to be more conscious of what is said out loud when the children are in earshot. Next this mama was able to take this opportunity to discuss the topics at hand. What’s right, what’s wrong and what kind of words the child already has in their vocabulary. That she does not require such language to effectively communicate her feelings. Also, that it is okay to talk to Mommy or Daddy about the topics. That if she has any questions her parents are there to support her in her understanding and growth.
This mama and I chatted about how creating a bond between your children is one thing. But being able to control your reactions so that a child feels comfortable to come to you in any situation, can be challenging. Yet, with every calm collected response we give our children, the more they will trust that it’s not trouble they will be confronted with when opening up. It is understanding and education on working together in making a situation better.
We also discussed how this opportunity presented this mama with a way to help positively reinforce her daughter’s communication with her. Building a foundation for trust and communication for the future. Achieved by thanking her daughter for helping her learn. Reinforcing that this little girl has impact and value. Where, learning a little bit more about herself and how this mama can help support her babies by making sure the topics that are being discussed are guided, not overheard.
Kudos to you mama for growing and shining so much light on such a dark topic. I want to give a huge shout out and props to both mamas involved with the situation. For calmly sharing and communicating with each other what the girls had talked about on their play date. As well as, then processing that information in a way to take something that is so dark and creating a learning moment to help guide their beautiful children.
I myself have experienced my daughters’ friends wanting to open up to me on certain topics. As they’re scared to talk with their parents. I have always been an encourager of finding an adult you trust to share or confide in. If you can’t within your family circle, that’s okay in my books. It could be a teacher, a librarian, a police officer, your friend’s parent, a guidance counsellor, a minister, a boss, and many other options. It’s about finding a safe place to process so that the world doesn’t become so overwhelming.
There are a lot of topics out there that kids hear about. But don’t have the support to feel comfortable safely discussing the topics without feeling ashamed or scared or just worried about any repercussions.
Saying something out loud the first time is the hardest. Sometimes the person you say it out loud to isn’t available to process what you are giving them. This can happen if you are reaching out to a peer when you are very young. But understand this is not an attribute to the young, many many people, of all ages struggle with this.
This is why it is so important to know that saying it once might not be enough.
You might have to try it on for size with a few different people before you find the enlightenment you’re looking for. Sometimes the person you are worrying the most about telling is your final destination to let know the secrets that haunt you.
Knowing whether a person is available to receive and process what you are giving, most of the time is only revealed after, through their reaction. Experiencing an explosive reaction to a situation, typically means, that person needs time to process what is being given to them. Sometimes hurtful words get spouted. But sometimes the person you feared sharing with the most can surprise you. They can be very open to listening to everything that you have to say. Showing patience on allowing you time to express your feelings.
But I can tell you from my experience it is very difficult to be patient and not try to want to fix everything instantly. Maybe that’s a natural parental instinct. Or something that has to be learned. Which can be overly apparent if you’re attuned to the others personality, especially when it comes to children. In my case I know my personality completely clashes sometimes with one of my daughters. But through understanding her and myself, I am able to grow and support through our experiences. As well as, realize that I can’t control the information that somebody else gives me. But, I can control how I react to it. That can be adapted for many, if not all situations. You can’t control the exterior but you can control how you react. It’s easier said than done.
I can tell you that I am far more quick to snap when the fault is on myself. I do not have a problem admitting when I’m wrong. Or when I’ve done something that needs fixing. But as they say, we are our hardest critic. Yet when it comes to other peoples worries, I can be quite level-headed. Interestingly, something that takes so much courage to share on one side of the perspective can be perceived as trivial on the other side. Check out my article on being human to relate to this. https://jemsmind.com/being-human/
Seeing the relief in my daughter’s eyes and body language after telling me something terrifying to her is proof of the safe place we’ve created. This all built on my reaction from previous experiences. The mind can imagine the worst scenarios, creating these safe places to have open communication is key in growing through experience. Sometimes this area can provide perspective on other scenarios.
Perspective is a beautiful thing and seeing someone else’s perspective can really help when trying to navigate through scenarios that pass us on our unique journeys.
With all of that said I would also highlight it’s important to be careful on what’s said in all environments. This could be even brought to conversations that could be recorded over a phone call or tech based connections. Anyone in earshot could misconstrue or manipulate your words.
I recall an experience my oldest daughter had in grade 7 I believe. Where her and her friends were encouraging each other to speak truths. In particular truths from one’s perspective about another. This was during after school time through phone calls. Where recordings took place and the content was then shared with the principal. First this is a little bit muddy as these incidents happened outside of school time. But in hindsight I’m glad that things were brought to the school, so that learning conversations could take place.
Through all of this I am proud of my daughter. As the content that was unknowingly recorded of her was so well spoken. That I don’t believe my daughter said anything wrong. That’s not to say that somebody didn’t take offense to the truth she was speaking. But the way that she presented her truth wasn’t disrespectful, it was honest. One thing my daughter got out of the situation was that even when someone calls you a friend there is the potential for whatever reason, jealousy perhaps, for that person to react in malicious ways. She also learned the importance of owning her words. Understanding that her words have impact and it’s her responsibility to put out words she believes and trusts. That truth can hurt, but a lie or personal affliction has the potential for far worse discomfort. Not to mention the understanding of how vulnerable conversations through technology can be manipulated.
This is something I mention to my students often. Raising the point, that you don’t always know if someone is in earshot or looking to bait a situation. That words out of context can create problems. That offense could be taken. That profanity can tarnish respect. Where even in a shop setting there is a time and place for certain language. Ultimately, it comes down to watching what you say and or own what you say. We often talk about taking responsibility for our actions that also includes our words. So, always read your audience, know your surroundings and present yourself with respect.
JEMI
Edit – WDI