Another trip around the Sun, being grateful for the light that came into my world the day Susannah Faith Morris arrived. My pregnancy wasn’t filled with anticipation or joy. There was some, but for the most part, my first pregnancy consisted of a large dose of denial and ignorance. As well as, a not so healthy dose of multiple forms of abuse. But I will leave that for another day.
Susannah you were a light I didn’t understand at first. I did not have an overwhelming reaction of joy the moment you were born. It was all about going through the process and instinct. Watching birth stories on TV had me thinking there was something wrong with me. Why, because I didn’t cry or have the emotionally celebrated first moments together. For me, love grew stronger through the years. Don’t get me wrong I loved and love you baby girl. Comparatively I wasn’t very emotional during all of my deliveries. My main focus was always on getting the job done. Where none of that has anything to do with how I actually feel about my babies.
The strength and love that we both possess as we walk through life is beautiful. I am so grateful for us being able to grow together. It hasn’t been easy, but that’s indicative to everyone. Yet, the journey has been exciting, filled with ups and downs, the roller coaster of life. The thrill, the joy, the fear, the pain, worth every moment to have with you. Today I take a moment to reminisce about the days leading up to meeting you.
Susannah’s Birth Story…
On the 16th of July, 17 years ago, it was a lovely day. I was up around 7:30 that morning. At that time I was 5 days overdue. So finding comfortable sleeping positions were few and far between. I was scheduled for a non-stress test and gel application to begin the induction of Susannah’s birth that night. It was a beautiful last minute bag check and relax Friday. That evening we celebrated mom’s birthday with a sushi dinner. Then headed down to the hospital.
Since it was mom’s birthday we had a plan for the evening. The plan was after dinner and a hospital check-in, we would hit up a movie. To then go home for a much-needed sleep for the arrival. Well things changed when the gel application that typically takes two plus treatments to start thinning the cervix kicked me into hard active labour within minutes.
I was experiencing active back labour every 1 to 3 minutes, sporadically. I think once there was a 7 minute interval. It was a glorious 7 minutes. I feel at the time, the most defeating thing was that I knew at this point I had no dilation or thinning of the cervix whatsoever.
Ground Zero…
After watching the monitors for a while and determining the baby was not in distress, they sent us on our way. Go deal, come back if your water breaks or if things become overwhelming. There was no come back when your contractions are 1 to 2 minutes apart as they were already, fluctuating at a high frequency.
Driving home left me disliking the road construction. As every bump amplified things during each contraction. That was one of the things I remember clearly about pregnancy. Stay away from the curb if you can. Manholes and potholes are the worst.
I remember getting home. Running a bath. Trying to get comfortable. Climbing into my bed trying to lay down to rest. Meanwhile the contractions are still randomly 1 – 3 minutes apart. At this point I was tired as I had been up all day. I even called the maternity ward and asked them if Tylenol would help. Their response was, if you think it will, you should take it… I was 18, asking for expert advice and felt a little lost. After the phone call I felt pretty much alone…
It was around 23:00 – 23:30.
I didn’t want to wake up mom because I was hoping for her to get a few hours of sleep.
With that I still only made it to around 12:30. I woke Mom up and said I need to go back to the hospital. I was literally passing out between contractions due to exhaustion. One thing I know about myself is that patience wears thin when I’m exhausted. So at this point I was struggling alone.
With that, back in the car we go to head to the hospital.
Same type of ride back, stay off the bumps…
Arriving, welcomed, internal exam…
Bubble burst…
Only 1-2 centimetres dilated at 1:00… I was told I couldn’t get an epidural until 5 cm. As they were afraid that the epidural would slow my labour down. With that they told me to go home again…
As mom and I were walking out of the hospital my contractions intensified. To a point where I believe I was more comfortable in the hospital than going back home.
I remember making a comment to my mom about how many of the books and shows talked about how many women tend to be more comfortable at home. But that was not the experience I was feeling.
Maybe, it was dreading getting back in the vehicle another two times…
Maybe, I felt more safe at the hospital. Perhaps subconsciously I was worrying about potential unforeseen circumstances.
Probably both.
So we turned around, went back inside and asked if they had a place for me. We were directed to the room that was designated for tours. I had yet to be admitted but they hooked me up to the monitors for a while. Mom would watch contractions on the machine. I could tell her one was coming before it showed up on the Screen. Sometimes she would disagree that a contraction was coming because it wasn’t on the monitor. Such fun moments looking at her like really, really mom, I can feel it. We had a few laughs during the short lulls between contractions.
My mom is a saint. Not only for her support on this day but for every day she puts 100% into me and my family. She rubbed my back for hours. Back labour is no joke… During contractions sometimes I would snap at her, on hand positioning. Then I would profusely apologize in the moments between.
I am absolutely grateful that my mom was there with me. I probably would have been alone otherwise. Maybe… I had 1 or 2 girl friends that would have been by my side if I needed. But with such a strong support network I ultimately retracted from all friends and went straight into being the best mom I could be.
Anyway, thankfully by 6:30 I was admitted and given a labour and delivery room.
At this point in time I was only about 3 to 4 centimetres…
The dilation progression report was really discouraging.
I had been awake for 23 hours and I needed to sleep. So I was pushing for the epidural. They said okay but the anesthesiologist is in an emergency c-section, so probably an hour.
For the interim I was offered I believe Demerol.
Honestly it wasn’t worth taking…
It just made me really stoned and in pain…
Who knows what it did to Susannah…As some of the pain medication that is offered does affect the fetus.
Finally at 7:30 the anesthesiologist came in and hooked me up with an epidural… When he administered a little bit of numbing in the area, my back labour subsided significantly but my abdominal pain moved to the forefront. Thankfully after getting the epidural into place I was able to get some sleep. I’m sorry my mom had to nap in an uncomfortable hospital lounger.
Some hours later my dad showed up to bring my mom some food. Where he came and hung out for a little while. I tried to sleep as much as possible. I don’t really remember much from relaxing into sleep until 13:00ish. When the doctor came in and used the giant crochet hook to break my water. A few hours after that, things started to ramp up again, it was around 16:30. By 18:00 I was identifying that the epidural wasn’t working anymore. The pressure and desire to push was intensifying.
The nurse said things were getting close.
We made it to 8-9 centimetres.
We were almost there.
Just a bit more pressure from the babies head to help motivate the process. I was struggling uncomfortably to say the least by 19:00. So my mom went to fetch the doctor. The doctor came in a bit after that. Checked me and said I was ready to push.
She then took off her gloves and told me she would see me in 2 hours.
Kind of stunned at the comment I moved onto the next request of “Would you like a mirror to watch the event?” I remember taking a moment to think about this. The scenario played out in my head, I decided I needed to concentrate on the task at hand and not get distracted by watching.
So no thank you, to the mirror…
Then the nurse got my mom situated on my right side about hip level. Then had me place my foot on her side. The nurse took up the same position on the other side.
An image of a frog on his back comes to mind.
Then it was straight into pushing.
The nurse would do a series of counting during each contraction while pushing.
Once I made a vocal exhale and the nurse basically told me to stop making noise. That it was a waste of my energy. Slightly turned off by the comment. Especially considering for hours I heard a woman in a neighbouring room making all kinds of vocalizations. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why first timers take so long to deliver???
Anyway, the pushing set up began around 19:30 then pushing commenced minutes later. After about 10 minutes, things were progressing nicely. So much so that the nurse signalled it was time to go get the doctor. Well the doctor was being paged, pushing continued. It’s not like you press pause to wait for the doctor… A few minutes later I overheard the doctor out in the hall saying that she just saw me and that there’s no way it’s time to deliver yet. Apparently, it typically takes a first-time mom hours to deliver.
Thankfully, the nurse persisted and the doctor returned to check. As Susannah was well on her way out, while the doctor rushed and struggled to put her gloves and gown back on in time.
At this point my mother is questioning the dark seaweed-like alien that was emerging from the depths. It turned out that Susannah had an extremely thick head of dark hair. Finally the last two pushes; one to deliver her head then some manoeuvring and manipulation for the shoulders. Then she just wanted to surf out. At 19:56 Susannah had arrived.
Susannah was flopped up on my chest, skin to skin. Part of the requested birth plan, if all went well. Then the doctor quickly went to work and cut Susannah’s cord. Which was against the birth plan as I requested my mom be able to do that. But through the experience it seemed as the doctor was leading with assumptions through her experiences. Regardless, I was grateful for a healthy baby that was then taken and cleaned up. Abgar scores of 9 and 10… A healthy 8 lb 12 oz and 26 inches long..
Then she got to cuddle up with Grandma in the corner. Which took all the sting away from not being able to cut the cord…
During that time the doctors and the nurses were all working on me dealing with afterbirth. A lot of heavy pushing on the abdomen. The feeling of passing massive blood clots was interesting and apparently concerning. As I was kept for monitoring on the labour and delivery floor for an extra couple hours. I was pumped full of clotting medication. Got a running stitch to clean up some tearing. Then once I was patched up I set up and was looking for dinner…
Hospital food never tasted so good after 22.5 hour labour and delivery.
After a couple hours of monitoring and moving around it was time to head upstairs to settle in. I got a chariot ride with Susannah from the labour and delivery floor up to the maternity ward. As soon as we got off the elevator Susannah was fitted with an ankle monitor… A scary thought in itself. As there had been some baby napping’s in the past. This was the hospital’s protocol to ensure all infants left with their families. I have to say, I probably slept better because of it.
Susannah was perfect. We got set up in the same wardroom that my mom and I stayed in when I was born. Only three of the four beds were occupied. One woman who was recovering from c-section where her baby was in the NICU. Another, who was struggling with a rather vocal baby. Then me with the perfect sleeping Susannah.
The experience on the ward was all new to me. One of the first unpleasant experiences was using the washroom after. As I mentioned before I tore and required some stitches. Also mentioning I hadn’t had much to drink the day prior and was unhooked from fluids hours before. Needless to say I was relatively dehydrated. That combination lead to extremely concentrated urine coming in contact with my stitched wound, it was unpleasant to say it lightly. Then with a foggy mind and never experiencing the situation I did all the wrong things. I drank less so that I could avoid going to the washroom…
Big mistake…
Yes, I use the Peri bottle to flush the area…
But what I should have been doing was drinking excessive amounts of fluid. Which would have diluted the concentration of the urine and made it sting less…
Lesson learned on that one…
Another note dealing with the nether regions after childbirth. Back then you didn’t have to bring pads or diapers for yourself or the baby. They were all provided by the hospital. So there were these extremely fashionable netted undies that held the largest mammoth pad. They’re not as one size fits all as I guess they’re labelled. Circulation for my legs was being cut off slightly because they were too tight. So what do I do? I try to tear them open a little bit to give some extra space. That turned into me ripping the whole side open.
So naturally I walked down to the nurses station and asked for another pair. This must have been unusual behaviour. As the nurses were questioning why I was out of bed and that there was a call button for help. I was in the mindset that I didn’t want to bug them for such a small issue. If I wanted another juice I could walk to the kitchenette to grab one. Or in this case walked down to ask for a new pair of underwear.
I just had a baby, I’m not an invalid…
And there were no restriction protocol mentioned to me…
I don’t know… It was strange…
But sticking with the mesh underwear and how things are nowadays. Where you are now responsible for providing your own after birth protection and diapers for babies.
I highly recommend you get diapers for mom and baby. It’s a nice simple clean way to do things. At least that’s my opinion.
After birth, is painful, messy, bloody and chunky… Just to add some gravity to the process. As a woman’s body begins to heal it has to shed many of the life-making components that supported embryo and fetal development. So days even weeks after birth women feel contractions.
And is shedding…
It’s just an internal shed not an external shed that we learn about on other types of animals.
I bled heavily for almost 6 weeks after my first labour and delivery.
Really, It’s amazing how much women can bleed and not die…
But it’s a fine line…
Some women do…
Succumb to…
The reality that death is part of life too.
My heart goes out to all the families missing mothers and babies lost through pregnancy and childbirth.
…
I do recall not long after settling into the ward a nurse coming in questioning whether Susannah had fed yet. There were some attempts down on labour and delivery when I was being monitored. But that was hours ago, so it was time to try again. She helped the baby latch as feeding began.
This was us starting down a 2 year breastfeeding journey. A journey that started with four months of pain, dry cracked bleeding nipples, poor latching, inefficient long feedings and more…
But I was determined to breastfeed, so I sucked it up and stuck it out.
A piece of advice.
Don’t just stick it out…
Talk to a professional who can help you with latch and everything to do with breastfeeding.
Where I lived a public health nurse came out and checked things with me. But I guess I didn’t mention or ask the right questions to be able to get this support. I was naïve and didn’t know that it shouldn’t be so painful. Don’t get me wrong there are some components to breastfeeding sometimes that can be excruciating. But a properly latched baby should not hurt.
On that note; I’d like to shout out to every parent out there feeding their babies… You’re doing a great job regardless of the food source. Breast or bottle or g-tube or a combination, whatever. You are making sure your baby is filled with the nourishment they need to grow and thrive. Keep up the great work…
Sitting back and reflecting on it now I am absolutely grateful that my labour and delivery was relatively uneventful. No scary stuff… or in my ignorance no scary stuff. As excessive bleeding after the fact can be extremely dangerous.
I have heard some horror stories.
I really commend all women that go through childbirth.
It is a dangerous business.
Yes there was pain… A side effect of childbearing…
Yes, I was artificially induced. I’m thankful for modern medicine.
Yes I took painkillers. I don’t know how I would have done it without getting a decent amount of sleep before delivery.
But that was the situation at hand, if all of these factors weren’t available to me things would have been different. First of all I was given the choice on Friday to start the treatment or to come back Monday. The hospital staff was questioning why my doctor scheduled an induction only 5 days after the baby’s due date.
I looked at them like, I have no idea. I’m not a medical professional. I’m an 18-year-old kid here doing what you’re telling me to do to make this a safe experience. With that and being an inpatient teen I said let’s go because we were already here.
In hindsight I should have waited…
Now after going through three labours and deliveries, I almost long for a natural labour experience. A dream of labour starting naturally and slowly intensifying was something that prenatal class talked about. I even saw it often on the television series “A Baby Story”… Yet there was never much emphasis on a non-typical birthing experience. Or medical intervention type of my experience.
I was fortunate to be a part of a pre and postnatal program where I got some insight from other moms on their experiences. Nowadays access is more readily available to those stories. In my opinion the most reliable resource on what to expect or what could happen is by learning through other women’s experiences. However, there is such a thing as taking in too much, especially the scary stuff. There’s a huge component of mindset for pregnancy, labour and delivery. Where you don’t want to get too comfortable or too set with a plan. Pregnancy, labour and delivery is probably one of the most unpredictable events that happens to us.
So plan for the plan to change… Have a support team with you who know what you are hoping for and are not afraid to help keep you on track. But also flexible to help support you through change when things don’t go as planned. I also recommend that you talk to your OBGYN about what “normal size after birth blood clots” look like. I found the best answer after my third labour and delivery. Our doctor’s nurse gave us items to compare size. She used things like quarters and baseballs to describe what to look out for.
Finally, listen to your body and don’t let anyone else tell you how you’re feeling.
On that note, Susannah I hope one day your birth story will help you. Whether it’s through having children of your own or something else. I’m grateful to be able to share this memory from my point of view. Happy Champagne Birthday Baby Girl. 17 is going to be an amazing year. I’m so proud of you, my daughter. You exude so much goodness in this world. Thank you for being a light on my path and so many who you shine upon.
Love always and forever – Mommy
JEMI
P.S.
Happy Birthday Mom. Thank you for being with me through all of this crazy wonderful beautiful thing we call life. I’m so grateful and blessed to call you my mom.
Beautiful story ❤
Thank you So much for reading it.
Jackie